Look, you want to call me fat? Cool. Ugly? Fair. Degenerate? Yep. A Loser? Sure why not? But don’t you dare call me a nerd. I’ve worked my entire life overcompensating to not be called a nerd. That’s one badge of honor I get to wear proudly and it all began when I was just a wee one I knew that Star Wars was for nerds so I avoided it. Never seen an episode of Star Wars. That and comic books, stayed the fuck away. It’s left me with a lot less to talk about in wrestling locker rooms, but I still got to drive home after every show with the comfort of knowing I may not be a nerd.
I know my basic shit with Star Wars. I know that Princess Laya originated the man-bun with the elusive double bun. I know that I called bigger ugly chicks Chewy’s and smaller ugly chicks Ewok’s growing up because I thought that was how you flirted. I know that black people didn’t exist in this universe and it’s totally unrealistic for a black person to be in a completely make believe world. Wait, I didn’t know that. That’s somehow a controversy and if you’re not only a nerd but a racist nerd you need to get sent out to pasture. Pathetic. But that’s really all I know about Star Wars which brings me to the trailer that dropped during the absolutely TERRIBLE Eagles/Giants Monday night game. The NFC East is a joke and that game was just disgusting. Let’s take a quick look with fresh non nerd eyes at this trailer and see if it can sell me.
Now I’m sold off the bat. Everyone knows any good preview needs an old lady speaking over a creepy piano to some younger person. Plus a Ninja turtle looking thing repelling down some rubbage. Dope.
New Darth Vader looks awesome. Like a souped up Gonzo mask painted black, black = evil. Symbolism runs deep.
Ok so the black dude is Lieutenant Tanner from the last season of “24” Jack Bauer touched this dude, Jack Bauer trusted him so it’s ok racists we’re in good hands with the lead. This kids a good actor.
Indiana Jones voicing over now while there is all sorts of pew pew pew pee pee pee gun fire (sorry if they’re not called guns in nerd universe, probably sabernaters or some shit) but it was awesome. I’m a huge Hunger Games guy and this looks like a souped up Hunger Games so I’m in.
I hereby declare Star Wars no longer a nerd subject and I can freely go see this in the theater and enjoy myself with no repercussion.
But you can also bet your last dollar that if this blog can take off and I start making money I will be there when nerds start camping out to see the movie interviewing (heckling) them on video.
BTW- If I ever attend a wedding where they pull Star Wars shit I reserve the rite to piss on the floor and leave, be a grown up for me one time
(Coming from the guy who would make a Ric Flair entrance at his wedding)