Seven Rules For When I Die

On Monday Night Raw this week they did a tasteless angle.

Reid Flair, the son of Ric Flair, brother of Charlotte Flair passed away from drug overdose a few years ago. Paige a thirty year veteran to the wrestling business… errrr, 3 year veteran to the wrestling business? Makes a comment in the main event segment about Reid not having much fight in him. Just a stupid, tone def comment that won’t sell a single ticket.

To make matters worse they didn’t even notify Ric or any of the family about the comment that would be made so they heard/saw it happen live, their deceased family member being used to draw any money on Raw. Dave Meltzer at the Wrestling Observer has done an excellent job covering the situation this week.

It got me to thinking I need to lay out of kind of a will or guidelines for everyone to follow when I die. It’s not like there is much in my bank account or in material possessions I can give away. Just as your average run of the mill dead bro, I have some requests for when I go whether it’s in a few hours or years, I’ll inevitably be gone sooner than later.

  1. Lets be real, I’m dead. I don’t care what happens.
  2. Phone, Laptop, Destroyed. Immediately. Can’t believe Apple doesn’t have an app for this. Something on iOS, heart doesn’t beat for over an hour? Boom, everything erased. That ideas gonna cost ya Balmer.
  3. If you must celebrate my life (What is there to celebrate?) then to the bar with the highest bidder. None of my family need to pay for anything. Make them pay you for my corpse. Everyday I’m hustling!
  4. I want my dead, lifeless, Bernie Lomax corpse fed to Lions. Sure the Zoo may not like that but hit up my girl Jackie Edie, she knows a back channel into the zoo. She will get me fed to a Malaysian Tiger with some help from my friends.  Maybe the Lion shits me out and I grow into a tree or fern or something.
  5. Fine if we can’t get me fed to some animals like a true pioneer then if any of my organs are good by some miracle use those then cremate me and
    THIS (With Tony, Keny and my sister Sarah playing the roll of the Dude and my niece gets to throw my ashes into them, love pranks)

    BUT NOT THIS

  6. Speaking of wrestling. I won’t be watching any local indie shows from the Heavens not only cause I wont be in Heaven but I honestly think the shows probably suck without me on them, not wasting any time sorry guys. But if some Wrestlemania main eventer wants to point to the sky and dedicate their Wrestlemania main event win to me that would be cool.
  7. See Rule #1 and we’re

That’s it. Basically don’t spend money on a funeral, dump the body and all my personal information and we’re good. But again, I’m dead, I won’t know, so whatever makes you happy is A-OK with me!

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2 thoughts on “Seven Rules For When I Die

  1. sexybrilliance November 20, 2015 / 8:04 am

    When I die, I don’t want a conventional funeral, naw. I want all my friends and family to rent out an event center, stand in a giant circle facing each other, heads up. Then I want them all to simply be quiet and think about me and my time here on earth with them for 15 straight minutes. That’s It!! BUT, if anyone starts laughing or crying, then the clock starts over again and 15 minutes have to be reached. This goes on until a complete 15 minutes of silent contemplation happens.

    Liked by 1 person

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