BLOG #100 – Vice’s “Thirty Sentences I Never Said Again After I Turned 30” is Garbage

by Mike Pearl at Vice –

Thirty Sentences I Never Said Again After I Turned 30

All I need is a mattress on the floor and a wifi connection.

That’s pretty much all I need in life. At 34 I still say that.

And my bike. Also, I could use some cheap beer. Do you sell beer any cheaper than this?

I’ve never just needed my bike, not a hipster doofus haven’t said that since I was 15.  Cheap beer? Yeah I still say that, again not some hipster. Beer is beer if it gets me drunk I’ll drink.

All I want out of life is to spend time with my friends every day.

I’m with you here bro. Spend time alone period. But I never said that before 30 either.

And to be able to travel, to have enough free time to work on projects, to stay up-to-date on movies, books, and music, and to constantly be learning and bettering myself. I just want a Dilbert–type gig, something cubicle-based that gives me free time to focus on the creative stuff that’s my actual work—you know, until I get some recognition and can quit the day job. I don’t feel like I’m asking for too much.

This is some extreme gave up on life type shit right here. At thirty are you supposed to be dead on the inside? Thirty four and I feel like I haven’t even gotten started yet. Defeated type thoughts there. I won’t say that kind of shit out loud because talking feelings just isn’t my thing. But if I was to sit and articulate shit in my brain maybe those kind of thoughts would manifest.

Man I hope I get some recognition soon.

DEFEATED LOGIC. I’ve been looking for recognition for something since I was 17 getting on the news so I could backyard wrestling and I’ll still be 37 looking for recognition doing whatever stupid activity I’ve found then.

Nobody told me my new meds would react like that with alcohol.

I’ll never be on meds outside of recreationally doing some with the key purpose to combine them with alcohol. It’s science, experimentation. NBD.

My feet are sore from dancing.

I didn’t even attend a high school dance. Never danced outside of blackout 6 second vines I make friends delete the next day.

The party was so awesome,

I think I said this party is so awesome on Saturday night? This nerd only attends his shitty boring wives friends parties. Dead on the inside. Frank the Tank life, I’ll be 44 still going to parties I hope and they better be awesome.

I ended up talking to some weird hippie guy about philosophy for three hours.

You’re right here. I won’t talk to a weird hippie dude for directions let alone any subject matter on the planet for three hours.

No, obviously I didn’t drive afterwards. I don’t know who drove. I don’t know whose car that was.

Joe drove. Joe always drove. (Or my friend Shawn Michaels if I’m in So-Cal)

Should I start applying to grad schools?

I want to apply to an SEC School. Get my Van Wilder on.

Should I learn Japanese?

Maybe if New Japan books me, right?

Should I have majored in something like petroleum science?


Should I blow off tomorrow’s job interview and go to Joshua Tree with you guys?

All I know about that sentence is that I’m happy not knowing about it because it’s some serious hipster shit.

I’m not really thinking about where the relationship is going.

It’s going no where. It’s never going anywhere.

I’m not sure I’m even a relationship person.

I mean sure, but I’m not cock blocking myself here.

I guess I can see myself just dating one person if we had some kind of supernatural, soul-to-soul connection.


Kids are disgusting.

No doy. But I won’t vocalize it. Other peoples kids are gross as fuck.

Sorry in advance about my place.

Always. Love it or leave it toots.

I’ve been too depressed to clean. I quit taking those meds. I’m not sure I’ll ever be society’s definition of “happy.” I’m not sure there’s really such a thing as being “happy.”

Twenties, Thirties, Forties, Fifties… Never.

I can’t even really imagine what I’ll be like when I’m older than like 35.

I’ll be pretty fucking dope. Fine wine, aging well. I even met some tinder girls with my age set to 27, they didn’t bat an eye.

To be honest, I don’t even plan to live that long.

Blog I wrote just two weeks ago.


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