Marry/Fuck/Kill – The Omaha Mail Thieves

Mail Theft Investigation – Three in Custody

WOWT- Three suspects were taken into custody Wednesday and authorities are now trying to get the mail they allegedly stole back to its rightful owners.

The suspects in the case are identified as Clement Mitchel, 33, Rebecca Earlywine, 29 and Samantha Allen, 29.

At approximately 12:30 p.m. on Wednesday, December 9, the Douglas County Sheriff’s Office received a call of a grey or dark blue SUV occupied by several persons stealing mail from mailboxes and packages from porches located in the area of 168th & Camden Street. (Cont- at Wowt)

A very tough game of Marry/Fuck/Kill we have on our hands here. Positives and Negatives for each situation with each one of our mail thieves.


After long consideration, I decided the only way to go with Clement Mitchell is use up the fuck option. We may or may not be dealing with a post or pre op tranny here. So going in I’m hoping she/he still has the lady parts and I can get the deed over quickly. If not it’s a case of beer down the gullet, couple pills, close my eyes and pray for the best.

Classic case of big black woman vs big black woman here for me. Many negatives and few positives to each one.  Big loud sassy black woman vs fat lazy entitled white woman, marry one and you kill one.

I ultimately decided it comes down to cooking so I’m going to marry Samantha Allen. If she straightens her act out and gets off peoples porches I’m sure she could throw down in the kitchen.

Sure aesthetically she isn’t ideal but what am I Brad Pitt? After a few years of coddling Samantha may throw out spreads that look something like this-

While Rebeccca’s attempt at Thanksgiving dinner looks something like this-

That is if Rebecca even bothers to get her fat ass off the sofa to cook rather than watch Maury reruns. So I will roll the dice with Samantha straightening her act out and just having to deal with large black woman sass than I will Rebecca ever doing jackshit with herself or even make herself appear presentable to the rest of my family. Sorry Rebecca, you die and Samantha I put a ring on it(I know you can’t be happy about that either). Unless of course I choked to death on my own puke after coming to terms with banging Clement Mitchell.


2 thoughts on “Marry/Fuck/Kill – The Omaha Mail Thieves

  1. MICHAELA January 3, 2016 / 8:25 pm



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