- Downtown, 114th and Dodge and a 72nd street tour only places you’ll get any worthwhile and potentially safe barhopping done.
- Stock up on shooters tonight or before you have that first morning drink. I recommend the Mega Mart or Quick Pic for a nice selection of .99 cent shooters. This is valuable for when you order that Diet Coke later on, people think “oh look at him/her being so responsible taking a round off” but you’re really just sneaking some Captain Morgan into it under the table. You never want to be the one drinking the most and this little trick can keep you in the game while saving a few bucks.
- This is also doubling as the opening day of the NCAA tournament. One of the great days of the year. If you’re a degenerate gambler like me you may be broke by the time the night games start. You want to increase your limit with the bookie tonight to avoid getting shut out of any crucial action. Luckily our teams are garbage this year so we don’t have the added nuisance of them letting us down and wrecking the day and everyone in the cities brackets hours in.
- Stay out of the corn beef cabbage and all that free bar food. E Coli city. You need to eat you take a walk (carefully) to a local sandwich shop, a Subway for instance and load up on as much of their carb loaded bread as possible. I’m pretty sure one year I was out and got sick just from being in the same vicinity of that garbage. I think not eating bar food will attribute to me living four years longer than scheduled.
- Uber/Lyft will be running all day. I recommend them, but there will be surge pricing I’m sure all day. You get into your Uber, act surprised they are charging so much. Say you’ll just get out here. Then offer the Uber driver $20 cash to turn the meter off and run you where you need to be. They aren’t saying no to $20 cash and you just saved yourself $75 heading from downtown to 114th and Dodge.
- Screwdrivers are a underrated St. Patty’s drink. You are missing the gym today so can trick yourself into thinking you’re getting your proper amount of Vitamin C along with a clear vodka so you’re kinda staying healthy.
- First thing you do when entering the bar- 15 spot quarter mania keno ticket for 80 games. Costs you $20, throw it into your back pocket. Then when you’re stumbling around drunk and broke at 6:00 you check your back pocket looking for an extra few dollars you find the ticket, check it, BOOM $500 waiting for you the entire time. You just made an amazing investment.
- I used to be a Bartender, there was some idiot on St Patrick’s Day who came in wearing a green wig around midnight when the madness had tempered off. This was like eight years ago. I still hate that guy. Don’t be the guy in the green wig.
- Load the jukebox up with Nickelback and play it next on those tracks. Classic prank. It’s a long day.
- New York City has eased the laws on public drinking and urination for the day this year. If some Omaha cop is giving you a rough time for taking a leak outside the bar just tell him to relax and be cool like the New York Police. Everyone respects the NYPD.
- I’m not sure about sleeping in public, if it’s criminalized or not . But if you have to catch a nap on a downtown sidewalk and a police officer gives you grief just tell them you tripped over a pot hole, went stumbling and cracked your head. Classic diversionary tactic, put the heat on the city rather than your drinking.
- Don’t under any circumstance test any bouncers on this day. Bouncers are already the biggest hardos out. They’re looking for a reason to uppercut someones head off. I’m pretty sure you being drunk on St. Patrick’s day is reason enough in the court of law for getting your head knocked into next week. You think some bro want to really be babysitting your ass outside T-Henry’s on a Thursday afternoon instead of hanging out at Max Muscle and 24 Hour Fitness all day?
- They aren’t going to let you into the Casinos. Trust me.
- Are you a bro not celebrating? Take your dog for a walk downtown. Attention from drunk women on patios like you couldn’t ever have on any other day of the year. I’m not advocating it (I am) but offer one a ride home… If you know what I mean.
- Every bar in Omaha thinks they’re an “Irish Pub” already. So when your friends are like we need to go to an “Irish Pub” inform them of that. I’m pretty sure Rednecks is an “Irish Pub” white people have to have everything and everyone will be telling you how they’re Irish tomorrow… When they aren’t.
- Every bro who made it out in the afternoon is going to be turning into Conor McGregor around 7:00. Head on a swivel, white people in their 20s with too much to drink love to think they can fight. Take it from me, from personal life experience-I was one. I just used to think I was Chuck Liddell.
- Be safe. Cab, Uber, Lyft , Friend, Me*. Don’t drive. More life experience- I got a DUI when I was 21 on St Patricks Day, haven’t had a drink on the 17th of March ever since. My way of reflecting on what a dumb decision drinking and driving is.
*- Was serious. Message me if you need a ride, it’s $100 though in the Omaha city limits.