Coffee Is Trash


I, until today was very proud to always be able to drop “I’ve never had coffee” into my everyday conversations. A girl wants to meet for coffee? Naw, I’m good. I don’t do coffee. Never had it. Great conversation piece. Well after this morning that conversation piece is getting ratcheted it up a notch. Not only have I tried coffee now but I don’t like people who like coffee. They can not be trusted.

For years I’ve thought it was just this great thing I’m missing out on. This amazing addictive thing that gets my endorphins running like gambling, driving fast or slamming jaegerbombs… NOPE. I pop a Black Almond Roast into this Keurig coffee maker and after figuring out where the water goes I wait 10 minutes for it to quit sounding like it’s taking a piss. Go to enjoy my first ever sip of coffee… But have to wait, for damn near 30 minutes before I can even chance taking a sip. That shit was so piping hot it was damn near burning my hands to try out. My face felt like it was in the steam room just being within three minutes. How is that comforting? Nerve racking more like it, I was genuinely worried my clumsy ass was going to spill.

So after waiting 30 minutes, I finally get my first little sip…

TRASH… TRASH!!! It tastes like some dirty lake water. Gross. I waited my entire life for that small guilty pleasure and there was no pleasure involved? I’m glad I know now. I know coffee people can’t be trusted. You are all liars, you’re lying to yourselves and need to stop. This stuff sucks, succumb to the trend and stop. You need to wake up you drink a Redbull or Rockstar Punch, something else. Quit helping build Starbucks and pretending to be dependent on that shit. Get a real vice like alcohol or gambling.


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