The Designated Survivor Debut Episode Rundown

I’m joining five minutes late. Hopefully haven’t missed a major plot point, you know like Congress blowing up while the President is sworn into office leaving some low level cabinet member in charge of the Free World.

NOPE. Not yet. Just a hot wife and nerd kid who is into producing dub step. I can already tell I will HATE this Johnathon Taylor Thomas hair having little twerp. This Pilot gets an A++ if he is dead by the top of the hour. I better clarify Bauers wife isn’t Audrey Raines hot, but she is definitely hotter than Teri Bauer.

(K/M/F)

They don’t even bother showing the Capital blowing up which I’m completely down with. We saw it 100 times in the previews, no need to bother with those minor details. Move this plot forward, who has time for minor details anyways?

Bauer winds up at the White House to be sworn in. Total safe space in the midst of a Terror Attack. Bauer is now puking, they’re just trying to throw us off the scent. Make us think it isn’t Bauer. But nah, can’t fool me.

Jack is puking, my friend raised a point that they are trying to make you think of him as Not Jack Bauer by having him puke. Nice try ABC, but nah… nah. It’s Bauer.

Some dude starts shitting on President Bauer in the stall over(verbally not physically). Typical bathroom conversation. How’s the weather? You see the Redskins score? Oh yeah fuck the new president in the midst of this attack on the United States, right?

Jack really should have just hit Kumar with a “Cornell ever heard of it?” perfect response to his sass about him not being able to handle it.

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Instead he just gives him an immediate promotion. Affirmative action right back at it and hard at work. The more things change the more they stay the same right?

Bauer spent the next twenty minutes getting pushed around by Military Heads. They think he’s soft, but they don’t know. They don’t know the animal that lurks inside. The Israeli Ambassador comes in and Bauer lets his nuts hang on him with an ice cold nuclear threat. Everything you want out of Bauer threatening other than a “DAMNIT!” and some physical torture. There will come a time for that though.

The show ends as Jack is about speak to the nation… I’m not joking here, but is it too late to just have Keifer run independent? Is there any chance someone who’s seen the things Kiefer Sutherland, ack Bauer(24), Ace Merill(Stand By Me) & Doc Scurlock(Young Guns 1 & 2) has seen wouldn’t be better fit to run this country than the two shit heads we currently have running? Who cares if he was born in the UK, Canada or wherever. We let Obama get away with it, why not Kiefer? Keifer 2016.

Great first episode. Really should have been a two night or two hour premier though. You can’t just thrust Jack Bauer back into my life like that and take him right away. It’s like when Bauer shot Heroin so he could blend into the Salazars back in Season 3 of 24.

heroin

I’m happy with it though. In true 24 Fashion you can already tell just about 9 out of every 10 surviving members of the White House are moles and Isis. Hopefully he enlists some help from Chloe, Curtis and Tony Almeida. I’m 90% sure they’ll wind up just calling him Jack Bauer by episode 4 too. Jack Bauer is trending on Twitter with more hits than Designated Survivor right now, play to the audience.

I give the debut episode Four Shirtless Drunk Bauer’s Out Of Five

 

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