Readers Digests Tips To Look And Act Younger Is Dog Shit

 

Who wants to act your age? That’s never fun. Take these tips and tricks compiled by Readers Digest to help you act and look younger than you are.

I’m 35, you’d be hard pressed to find anyone who thinks I act a day over 22. It isn’t so fun either, it’s becoming a detriment to my life. But whatever, have at it Readers Digest. What do you have?

 

Get organized

The Longevity Project, an eight-decade study concluded that people that are well-organized typically live longer than those who are less careful.

I may be the most unorganized person on earth. Laundry currently located in three different spaces with no rhyme or reason to any of it. That’s kind of Global Warmings fault though. How am I supposed to separate winter and summer, cut offs and hoodies and shorts and pants when it’s unseasonably warm? Organizing clothing would be a time waster. I’d also set the over/under at losing keys + wallet at 7.5 times a week. Happens at least once a day, if I black out on a weekend night then we’re in real trouble. My resume definitely doesn’t read ‘strong organizational skills’ (and if it does I’m just lying).

 

Go shopping

A 10-year study conducted in Taiwan of 2,000 people over the age of 65 found that me and women who shopped daily had a lower risk of dying earlier than those who were shopping less often.

Ok, Readers Digest I get that you’re like a magazine for 70 year olds but we don’t just go shopping anymore. There is this thing called one-click order on Amazon and with Amazon Prime shopping isn’t necessary. Being out in stores buying clothes or whatever just sounds like torture. Completely foreign to me at this point. And you conducted it in Taiwan 65 year olds? That’s just fudging the numbers, most people in Taiwan live to like 105 or die before 50. No real in between there.

 

Eat curry

Curry could help keep your brain young and nimble according to a research study conducted in Singapore.

If you begin eating curry on the reg then you’re going to blow your asshole out pooping or suffocate on your own gas. No way that you live a longer life.

*next page*

 

The study determined that those who had eaten curry just twice a year were scoring better on cognitive performance tests than whose who did not eat curry. This could be attributed to curry containing the chemical curcumin, which has anti-inflammatory, anticancer, antioxidant, and cholesterol-lowering properties.

Whatever, point remains.

 

Sing with others

A study was conducted on 68 adults which revealed that whose who had joined a choir were in better health, less lonely, used less medication, and were experiencing fewer falls after a year when compared to a similar group of non-singers.

GO. FUCK. YOURSELVES.

Seriously singing? I get anxiety asking for low-fat mayonnaise at Subway. Ram my car into a tree and put me out tonight before I wake up deciding to sing for longevity tomorrow.

 

Hit the world wide web

Keep your brain active by searching the internet. In a study conducted of people age 55 to 76 who were actively searching the internet on a regular basis, it found that they experienced increased activity in regions of the brain that controlled language, reading, memory, and visual ability.

Well you can pretty much lock me in to live until I’m 135 because I’ve spent nearly 90% of my waking hours the last 21 years locked into the “world wide web” as Readers Digest calls it.

 

Play with grandchildren

Keep yourself young by playing with the younger generation.

Does my niece who has recently turned heel on me help? If not we’re a ways off from grandchildren. You never know though, could have a kid any day randomly(if I found a girl who wasn’t repulsed by me) and I’m sure to be a shitty enough parent to where my kid would pop out a grand kid for me in 2032. Never say never.

 

Don’t retire young

The key to acting and looking younger could be to work (at least part time) past the normal retirement age according to researchers from the Longevity Project.

I’ve retired from wrestling three times now, at the pace I was going I’d likely be dead by 40 if I kept at it. You could argue I’m also retired from life as things are now anyways. Last thing I want to ever be is some 90 year old mail man or mechanic. Gross. Sit me in my nursing home and let me rot.

 

Be optimistic

If you’re optimistic and think positively about your life you will live longer according to a U.S. study conducted of people over the age of 50.

Do you know why people over 50 are optimistic? Because they are on deaths door already, parents gone, kids older and don’t care anymore. They have to be, sitting around thinking about death all day isn’t gonna get you anywhere. But having some optimism that you can get some yogurt tomorrow just may take you through the night.  Use your head Readers Digest(I can’t believe you’re still around either).

 

Be thick-skinned

A study at Harvard University suggests that those who exhibit Psychological hardiness are more likely to live longer than those who do not.

Add another 15 years to me. I’m the most thick skinned, self deprecating person alive. I think I’m already well over 10 jokes at my own expense here. I also was told I could go as Mankind for Halloween and laughed it off.

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That’s thicc skin in more ways than one fam, I’ll live til 150 (+5 more for my optimism- 155).

 

Continue to get enough sleep

One common myth is that as we get older we need less sleep, however studies have been conducted showing this is not the case.

So I don’t have to be embarrassed about sleeping from 10PM-10AM last night? Sweet.

 

Find something to believe in

Research has shown that the positive emotions associated with attending religious services can help reduce stress in the body.

After having said all that, countless jokes at my own expense… I believe in myself for some bizarre, unknown, strange reason. I don’t know why, but despite all the pessimism I still do believe in myself. You can take a left with that attending church services shit though.

 

Get a dog and take it for walks

A British study of dog walkers determined that walking with your dog can improve  your fitness, and also help protect you from feelings of loneliness.

OH HELLLLLL YEAH! Best advice you gave the entire article Readers Digest, to the Humane Society I go.(they do rentals right?)

(Original article published at KETV.Com)

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