My buddies and I are looking into a Costa Rica trip and while doing some research about the accommodations there, came across a particularly unique review of the vacation hot spot. The guy goes to a bar inhibited with a bunch of Costa Rican hookers, takes one back to his room, hijinks and hilarity ensue.
Ok, so this is my first time in CR….My best bud “Mucho Gusto” assures me of a weekend I’ll not soon forget. After my first nights’ experience, he was absolutely right! I will not EVER forget my first tica. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about how I could possibly get through 3 more nights of this……… Here’s the dirty details.
It’s my first day in SJO, and Mucho Gusto insists on taking me to the BM for a drink. I walk in, and I’m speechless. MG’s standing there, looking at my facial expressions, and laughing. We do a quick walk-thru the BM, and decide to grab a table in the lobby bar, where it wasn’t so hectic. I was totally overwhelmed. I was only in the bar for 3 minutes, and I’d already had my d*ck grabbed at least 4 times, and already gotten eye-ph*cked at least a dozen times! I’m thinking….. Is this place for real ???
So, we’re sitting and having our 1st cocktail, when a semi-good looking tica overhears our conversation about my being intimidated by all the action around me. Like in a chess game, she maneuvers from chair to chair until she is eventually sitting right next to me. She assures me she won’t bite…. (In hind sight, I wish that wasn’t the only thing she would have assured me of) but I’m getting to that!
Anyway, she wasn’t the most beautiful chica in the house, but Mucho Gusto suggests (maybe) just going with her for a quicky, just to get rid of the “nuisance batch”, and then come down for some different luvin later. After poor negotiation on my part (and against MG’s monetary advice), she and I head over to the SL. Like an idiot, I let the little head make the decision for me. This was my 1st newbie mistake.
Now to set the tone……
My room (SL – Felizadad) had no air conditioning, only a small fan on the side of the room, facing the bed. We get into the room and immediately get naked. As soon as our clothes hit the floor, she decides to start a pillow fight with me. A pillow fight ??? What the ph*ck ??? I haven’t got a clue why she wants to pillow fight. I assume it is some kind of weird CR ritual or foreplay or something. While fanning pillows at me, I start to get a whiff of what I could only assume was a dead, rotting howler monkey that had gotten under my mattress. But then she starts DFK’ing me, and I let go of my concerns for the moment.
At this point, she throws me on the bed, slaps a cover on junior, and proceeds to climb on top (so far, so good). We start getting into it, and now I am starting to forget about the (former) howler monkey aroma, and I’m starting to feel better about the whole session. I reach up and start gently fondling her breasts, and as I am doing this, she starts moaning and talking to me. “Ahhhh, mi amor, muy rico, el guapo, mi papasito”….. Now, things are getting interesting, and we’re both hot and horny. Then, I start to feel a light spray on my face and chest, kinda like a pinhole in a water balloon.
I try to comprehend what is going on, and as I look for the source of this spray, I finally notice she is lactating…… HEAVILY. My hands, my face, my chest, and her teta’s were soaked with a nasty, watery, milky, sticky substance that actually made me throw up in my mouth a little. Now (under my breath) I start cursing Mucho Gusto for recommending this chica for my 1st pop. But then I realized that he (in a very subtle way) told me I could find someone for less. But I, in fact, was the idiot for letting my little head negotiate with this chica.
So, needless to say, with all of these erotic happenings, Mr. Johnson no longer wants to play (if you get my drift). She is okay with that, and immediately dismounts. She lays next to me (sideways), and starts giving me a CBJ, trying to help get junior’s attention again. I’m lying there, staring at the ceiling, trying to concentrate, and trying to get the painful images from the past few minutes out of my mind. Suddenly, I am literally overcome with that earlier smell of the decaying carcass under my bed. It hits me like a freight train, burning both of my eyes, actually causing them to tear up. I even tried placing a pillow over my head. This STILL had little effect. Damn….. WHAT DID THIS CHICA EAT ?!?!?!?!
This same, exact smell hits me every 45 seconds for a few minutes, and fills the room with an un-forgettable aroma (remember…. no air conditioning). Suddenly, my tica excuses herself to the bathroom, where she proceeds to peel the paper off the walls with a solid (and audible) 10 minute POWER DUMP!!!
I seriously contemplated murder at that point…not her, but Mucho Gusto….”That Bastard!”, I thought. I tried to drown out the noises coming for the bathroom, but couldn’t. Where was my IPOD when I needed it!?!?!
By the time she came out of the bathroom, I had already gotten up, and gotten dressed. Put a fork in me….. I’m DONE! She finished her marathon dump and closed the bathroom door behind her (but left the fan on)! After seeing me dressed, she decides to follow suit. But it’s not over yet!
She walks to the edge of the bed, picks up her purse, and proceeds to slap on a fresh panty liner inside her thong before putting it back on. Jesus H… can it get any ph*cking worse? I didn’t think so, but (one again) I was wrong. She was SPOTTING too ??? WTF!
We parted ways with half a smile, glad to be rid of any trace of that nightmare of an experience (although her farts had some serious hang-time…. STILL LINGERING) !! About a half hour later, I felt brave enough to open the bathroom door and go in, and…….. SURPRISE. It’s STILL not over with. I look in the throne, and what do I find ??? You got it! A FLOATER IN THE BOWL!!! I know these chica’s love their rice and beans, but…. COME ON!!! Enough is enough! I can’t believe she left me a ph*cking floater!
Guys, I couldn’t make this sh*t up! This is CR ??? Is this what I had to look forward to for the rest of the weekend??? Well…. Thank God it went straight up hill after that first experience, and I now (even after this nightmare) am hooked on the whole experience! It took a beautiful Colombiana, and a couple repeat sessions to get over it, but it worked!
And…..By the way, thanks to Mucho Gusto after all!
And folks, the lesson, as always… Never lose faith in Mucho Gusto!
“I know these chica’s love their rice and beans, but…. COME ON!!!”
Is the quote of the year heading into March.
PS- You already know I booked that Costa Rica trip before publishing this blog. Get in while the gettin is good.
PPS- I was for sure poop and fart jokes wouldn’t still be this funny to me at 35. But here we are… Single and alone blogging on a Friday night.