Guy Gets Costa Rican Hooker, Hilarity Ensues

My buddies and I are looking into a Costa Rica trip and while doing some research about the accommodations there, came across a particularly unique review of the vacation hot spot. The guy goes to a bar inhibited with a bunch of Costa Rican hookers, takes one back to his room, hijinks and hilarity ensue.

Enjoy-

Ok, so this is my first time in CR….My best bud “Mucho Gusto” assures me of a weekend I’ll not soon forget. After my first nights’ experience, he was absolutely right! I will not EVER forget my first tica. As a matter of fact, I was thinking about how I could possibly get through 3 more nights of this……… Here’s the dirty details.

It’s my first day in SJO, and Mucho Gusto insists on taking me to the BM for a drink. I walk in, and I’m speechless. MG’s standing there, looking at my facial expressions, and laughing. We do a quick walk-thru the BM, and decide to grab a table in the lobby bar, where it wasn’t so hectic. I was totally overwhelmed. I was only in the bar for 3 minutes, and I’d already had my d*ck grabbed at least 4 times, and already gotten eye-ph*cked at least a dozen times! I’m thinking….. Is this place for real ???

So, we’re sitting and having our 1st cocktail, when a semi-good looking tica overhears our conversation about my being intimidated by all the action around me. Like in a chess game, she maneuvers from chair to chair until she is eventually sitting right next to me. She assures me she won’t bite…. (In hind sight, I wish that wasn’t the only thing she would have assured me of) but I’m getting to that!

Anyway, she wasn’t the most beautiful chica in the house, but Mucho Gusto suggests (maybe) just going with her for a quicky, just to get rid of the “nuisance batch”, and then come down for some different luvin later. After poor negotiation on my part (and against MG’s monetary advice), she and I head over to the SL. Like an idiot, I let the little head make the decision for me. This was my 1st newbie mistake.

Now to set the tone……
My room (SL – Felizadad) had no air conditioning, only a small fan on the side of the room, facing the bed. We get into the room and immediately get naked. As soon as our clothes hit the floor, she decides to start a pillow fight with me. A pillow fight ??? What the ph*ck ??? I haven’t got a clue why she wants to pillow fight. I assume it is some kind of weird CR ritual or foreplay or something. While fanning pillows at me, I start to get a whiff of what I could only assume was a dead, rotting howler monkey that had gotten under my mattress. But then she starts DFK’ing me, and I let go of my concerns for the moment.

At this point, she throws me on the bed, slaps a cover on junior, and proceeds to climb on top (so far, so good). We start getting into it, and now I am starting to forget about the (former) howler monkey aroma, and I’m starting to feel better about the whole session. I reach up and start gently fondling her breasts, and as I am doing this, she starts moaning and talking to me. “Ahhhh, mi amor, muy rico, el guapo, mi papasito”….. Now, things are getting interesting, and we’re both hot and horny. Then, I start to feel a light spray on my face and chest, kinda like a pinhole in a water balloon.

I try to comprehend what is going on, and as I look for the source of this spray, I finally notice she is lactating…… HEAVILY. My hands, my face, my chest, and her teta’s were soaked with a nasty, watery, milky, sticky substance that actually made me throw up in my mouth a little. Now (under my breath) I start cursing Mucho Gusto for recommending this chica for my 1st pop. But then I realized that he (in a very subtle way) told me I could find someone for less. But I, in fact, was the idiot for letting my little head negotiate with this chica.

So, needless to say, with all of these erotic happenings, Mr. Johnson no longer wants to play (if you get my drift). She is okay with that, and immediately dismounts. She lays next to me (sideways), and starts giving me a CBJ, trying to help get junior’s attention again. I’m lying there, staring at the ceiling, trying to concentrate, and trying to get the painful images from the past few minutes out of my mind. Suddenly, I am literally overcome with that earlier smell of the decaying carcass under my bed. It hits me like a freight train, burning both of my eyes, actually causing them to tear up. I even tried placing a pillow over my head. This STILL had little effect. Damn….. WHAT DID THIS CHICA EAT ?!?!?!?!

This same, exact smell hits me every 45 seconds for a few minutes, and fills the room with an un-forgettable aroma (remember…. no air conditioning). Suddenly, my tica excuses herself to the bathroom, where she proceeds to peel the paper off the walls with a solid (and audible) 10 minute POWER DUMP!!!

I seriously contemplated murder at that point…not her, but Mucho Gusto….”That Bastard!”, I thought. I tried to drown out the noises coming for the bathroom, but couldn’t. Where was my IPOD when I needed it!?!?!

By the time she came out of the bathroom, I had already gotten up, and gotten dressed. Put a fork in me….. I’m DONE! She finished her marathon dump and closed the bathroom door behind her (but left the fan on)! After seeing me dressed, she decides to follow suit. But it’s not over yet!

She walks to the edge of the bed, picks up her purse, and proceeds to slap on a fresh panty liner inside her thong before putting it back on. Jesus H… can it get any ph*cking worse? I didn’t think so, but (one again) I was wrong. She was SPOTTING too ??? WTF!

We parted ways with half a smile, glad to be rid of any trace of that nightmare of an experience (although her farts had some serious hang-time…. STILL LINGERING) !! About a half hour later, I felt brave enough to open the bathroom door and go in, and…….. SURPRISE. It’s STILL not over with. I look in the throne, and what do I find ??? You got it! A FLOATER IN THE BOWL!!! I know these chica’s love their rice and beans, but…. COME ON!!! Enough is enough! I can’t believe she left me a ph*cking floater!

Guys, I couldn’t make this sh*t up! This is CR ??? Is this what I had to look forward to for the rest of the weekend??? Well…. Thank God it went straight up hill after that first experience, and I now (even after this nightmare) am hooked on the whole experience! It took a beautiful Colombiana, and a couple repeat sessions to get over it, but it worked!

And…..By the way, thanks to Mucho Gusto after all!

And folks, the lesson, as always… Never lose faith in Mucho Gusto!

“I know these chica’s love their rice and beans, but…. COME ON!!!”

Is the quote of the year heading into March.

PS- You already know I booked that Costa Rica trip before publishing this blog. Get in while the gettin is good.

PPS- I was for sure poop and fart jokes wouldn’t still be this funny to me at 35. But here we are… Single and alone blogging on a Friday night.

IT’S BACK- Another Glimpse Into The… UNDERBELLY OF SOCIETY!

After months off, it finally happened. It’s been a long and cold winter in the Midwest. People went into hibernation. Stayed off Social Media quite as much and then last week the sun came out, it warms up and my favorite section of the internet – The Underbelly of Society. Got back at it again, dragging one another’s name through the mud. Sullying each others reputations over Facebook for the lucky few who have remained unblocked to bare witness.

Previously In the Under Belly Of Society –

a Glimpse Into The Underbelly of Society

#GottiCountry Is In Shambles

a Three Year Old Who Beefs On Facebook

I may have not found my exact voice on this blog yet, but there is no doubt I know what drives the people here. What butters my bread is the Underbelly of Society and my exclusive, no holds barred look into it. Lets take a look at what is going on today.

First up, one of dozens of Bubbles Burr Facebook statuses. While it’s been cold out he hasn’t taken an hour off from posting crybaby, emo teen, please give him attention statuses for the entire winter(or his life). He kicks things off with a rather mild one.

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Got to wonder if he is talking about women or dogs? Makes ya think. And really, WOW.

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Uhhh, yo Ryan Light what up lil man? This is my beat, H. Dot covers the Underbelly of Society son. Don’t come in there with those hard hitting investigative questions. I’m trying to eat here and Ryan Light is checking my pockets, trying to kick me off my corner SMH. Listen up kid, now that I’ve told you once don’t make me tell you agine.

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I think Heather must have liked the status then unliked because Teresa Richey Niemiec Snodgrass Burr comes FROM THE CLOUDS telling her to fuck herself. More importantly though, we get to introduce the newest player to the Underbelly- Heather Jensen get ya some of this internet beef!

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2017 is the year that the number one place in the world to dispute Child Costody Cases became Facebook. What a time to be alive.

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Using ‘trick’ as an insult is so new wave, I gotta say I love it. Gone are the days of bitches and hoes. Back to calling women tricks. What’s old is new again, rite?

Love Heather’s braggadocios stunting as well. Heather probably got two phone as well.

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I’m a million percent positive of all the reasons to be jealous of Teresa Richey Niemiec Snodgrass Burr there are, baring Bubbles Burr’s child who was taken away by CPS isn’t one of them.

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Love that Teresa Richey Niemiec Burr Snodgrass did not dispute the meth flip floppin bitch dig. She just hit her with the rubber and glue response. So they both are meth flip flopping bitches?  Like a Moral Kombat mirror match here, folks.

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Unbelievably, after all of that Bubbles finally turns up from his nap(or panhandling) and cucks for Teresa Richey Niemiec Snodgrass Burr. Unreal. He will post day and night about what a bitch she is and how he hates his life, then runs to her rescue when she is falling asleep every night in the arms of another man. A modern day Greek tragedy.

Had Heather Jensen as the clear winner, but the Burr clan and #GottiCountry ultimately eek this one out.  The deciding factor was Bobby dawning his cape and rescuing Teresa Richey Niemiec Snodgrass Burr from the beating Heather Jensen was laying down on her.

In summation, like the end of every blog I cover these people I leave you with my closing comment, just like on their status….

wat?

Is It Ok To Smuggle 13 Pounds Of Moroccan Horse Cock Into The US? Well, It’s Hard To Say

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STERLING, Va. – Customs agents have seen all sorts of things come through travelers’ baggage. And what they seized from two women at Washington Dulles International Airport last month may take the cake.

On January 29, two women arrived from Mongolia. Customs and Border Protection officers sent them for a routine agriculture examination. What was found inside might turn your stomach.

The women had a combined 42 pounds of horse meat concealed inside juice boxes. That includes 13 pounds of horse genitals that one of the women claimed were for medicinal purposes.

 

I’m really tackling some hard hitting subjects here this week. Leave it to me on a piece of shit failed WordPress blog to solve the worlds biggest issues. First I explored whether or not it’s ok to say ‘Goodnight’ to your friends. It was a failed experiment, no… No,  it’s not OK to tell the fellas goodnight. You come off creepy… Creepy, weird and maybe gay.

Now I’m tasked with the duty of deciding whether or not bringing 42 pounds of horse meat, 13 of which are of the genitalia variety into the States is OK or not?  A larger question looms due to this, does this lend credence to Trumps travel ban?  Now, admittedly I didn’t take a gander at the banned countries list, but I can only assume Moracco is on there. Being a self proclaimed dumb guy like Trump every Eastern country other than England, Ireland, Spain, Gyna and Japan are on the ban list. When you’re dumb and ignorant you just have to assume every country is harboring some bad hombres.

Lord only knows what that horse meat is really here for… Medical purposes? Bullshit you Moroccan bitches.  I’m as Pro-Steroid as they come, but UFC Fighter Alistair Overeem has a fight coming up and he is infamous for claiming he didn’t use steroids but it was horse meat.

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So with Overeem due to fight on March 4th, my best guess is these Moroccan babes were smuggling Overeem in some masking agents to skate by USADA with an air tight excuse for testing positive before his fight.

On the other hand, if these ladies were telling the truth and they need the Moroccan horse meat for medical purposes one has to wonder if it could do something for my toe nail. I dropped a ten pound weight* on this son of a bitch seven months ago and it STILL hasn’t healed up.16299157_10155102645758755_7119094041342699405_n**

Seriously, if I can rub a little horse meat on that bastard and fix it all up then sign me up for pounds on pounds of it. Give me all the horse meat.

*-Not to brag about lifting such heavy weight.

**- No making fun of that foot and/or toes. It’s been through some shit, seen some things.

(Self High-Five- This blog may have been funnier, but I’ve been laughing at typing ‘of the genitalia variety’ for the last ten minutes. Thirty five going on nine.)

The Internet Is A Weird, Weird Place…

There is a website I have frequented since 2000, it is a very dark, dark place in the internet. I would never list the domain so it remains that way, the place is a collection of mostly at this point 28-45 year old men who started going for a common like of Hip-Hop but now years later…. You know what? Explaining this place isn’t possible. This was posted there this morning and now I present it to you without any further comment a story from one of the people who frequent said website…

 

So I’m out getting sushi with this girl, and randomly she asks me would I be willing for her to nurse me with a baby bottle. I figured she meant sometime in the future so I agreed to it and it didn’t seem like a big deal.

Little did I know she meant tonight. So we literally go to the grocery store and she buys some baby bottles. Then we go take my dog for a walk and while on this walk, I proceed to make jokes that it’s okay if she has a baby fetish and how I won’t judge her etc etc. She laughs and tells me I’ve been watching too many dirty movies.

So at this point I’m genuinely confused because I’m thinking she has to get off on this, right? I’ve never had a woman request this before, but she was down, and figured it would be worth the lulz in the future so I went with it. She actually requested that I rolll myself up in a blanket, while she craddles me and holds the bottle for me.

And I did it.

I won’t lie, I got a boner at first, because she was holding me and rubbing my head so I was thinking I’m gonna fuck or get something. But nope. She genuinely wanted to nurse me with a bottle and this went on for like 20 fucking minutes. Halfway through she’s like “now let’s make eye contact” and how “babies usually make eye contact when nursing.” These things are a lot tougher to use and I had to do my best not to choke while using it.

Then to make it crazier, she asks me if I want her to sing to me while nursing the bottle and I said sure. So what does she sing? She starts to sing in some language I never heard of. And proceeds to tell me it’s a language she made up when she speaks with god. It was actually relaxing and had harmony but it was all gibberish.

She then requested that it be her turn. And this bitch laid in my arms, wrapped in a blanket, while I held a bottle and she made “gaga” noises and acted like a baby.

So fucking weird. I’m still not sure if she got sexual pleasure from this. But it’s a very very weird for an adult woman to make.

 

Is It OK To Tell The Homies “Goodnight”? A Case Study

A lot of negativity yesterday going through my Twitter block list. Many people are saying I fabricated the list to come off as more of a ‘bad boy’ very unfair! VERY FAKE NEWS! Sad! So I decided late last night to pump some positivity into my life. I will tell all my homies across text and social media a simple ‘Good Night’ and see how that works out. Possibly get a little lift me up.

Now, nine hours later I am looking back and realize I made a mistake. Nobody took my heart felt gesture seriously. So was it OK to wish them a goodnight in the first place? Should my man card be pulled? Well lets see how things went.

First up to two of my best friends –

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One reply and it is being completely mocked for my friendly gesture. 0/1.

Guy Fieri? One of the coolest dudes out, we never met but I can only assume we’d be bros.

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Nothing. 0/2.

I took to twitter next to wish my confidant Sir Adam Lash a goodnight.

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He was very concerned with me.

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Seemingly about to have an intervention put on for me just by having a nice friendly gesture? Shameful. 0/3.

My guy the “Black Beast” Derek Lewis is fighting on Sunday night in the UFC. Felt it was a good move to wish him the best.

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Nothing back, I hope Travis Browne knocks you out now bro. 0/4.

Chicks are cool, chicks can be homies too. A little Snap Chat convo with two chicks will pick me up. Chicks won’t think this is weird at all.

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One outta two aint bad. 1/6.

On a roll here, how about we see what one of my ex-girlfriends is doing.

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Nothing. The romance is gone. 1/7.

Maybe on Facebook out in the open it won’t be so weird. People will be more receptive.

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Now I’m being accused of being drunk just for saying goodnight, what kind of reputation have I cultivated myself here? 1/8.

So many friends are all jerks for the most part, how about a couple bros on Instagram with millions of followers? Sure, they have some intern who will check their DMs and tickle the fans balls with a little reply.

Pompous, conceited, arrogant dickbags. No time for the fans, very unfair! 1/10

I also sent a group text of 10 guys, another one of two, and another person messages with no replies. 1/23.

My famous boxing coach buddy surely will take me serious. Motivation, positivity and all that bullshit right?

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Mocking me, smh. 1/24.

The owner of Victory Fighting, which airs live on UFC Fight Pass is sure to treat this in a professional manner, Ryan Stoddard.

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Why so skeptical? Like I have an ulterior motive here. 1/25.

I know who I can rely on, a wrestling fan who messages me all the time.

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No reply? Self confidence drowning here. 1/26.

Not the wrestling fan you were thinking of? I’ll get him. 1/27.

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Blown off by my #1 Capo? The leader of Gotti Country? Unbelievable. 1/28.

Name censored for obvious reasons.

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Only took nearly 30 messages for the gay accusations to come out. Major upset. My sexuality questioned for an act of kindness. 1/29.

Finally,

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What the hell man. I’ll take that as a half. I did get a ‘gn’ but had to endure being called a slut, middle fingers, laughed at and a fuk u for good measure. 1.5/30.

Needless to say my experiment didn’t work. It is not ok to tell the homies goodnight. So that was the first time and the last time I’m going out of my way for such a kind gesture. Fuck most of you too. And I swear I wasn’t drunk.

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PS: the whole goodnight, good night, Goodnight thing had my mind in a pretzel the entire blog. Grammar sucks, figure it out English.

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Am I Proud Of Who All Has Me On Twitter Block? Why Yes

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After my favorite sports writer Bill Simmons put me on block this week it got me thinking about my block resume. Bill is a guy who brags about not reading his mentions, but something tells me he does because I was blocked right after Tweeting this pic of him and Jared from Subway.

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What’s wrong Bill? Don’t want the world knowing you were chummy with famed pedophile Jared from Subway? SMH.

If a guy I openly respect and have read for 15+ years has it in him to block me, I wonder just how many people I’ve actually thrown shade at, dislike or borderline harassed on Twitter have me on block.  I used to really enjoy tweeting at celebs and mostly borderline in their own head celebrities, so I did some research into the subject matter. Let’s get into all the people(that I know of) who have me blocked.

 

The A-List-

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The fucking Hulkster has me on block! A young Hype Gotti would be absolutely devastated. A young Hype Gotti would be sickened by what he became. Twenty plus years later, old Hype Gotti finds it hilarious one of his childhood heroes wants nothing to do with him as far as to put an internet restraining order on him.

 

Sexual Harassment-

 

In 2012 my favorite thing to do was tweet at Wrestling “Divas” and ask for dates in rude and kind of offensive ways. Rosa, Christy and Brooke were a few of my favorites. It’s a shame it never worked out, five years later I’m still sitting here broken and single. SMH.

 

Social Commentary- 

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This wrestling diva didn’t like my social commentary about the hair she was wearing on TNA Impact one fateful night.

 

Nerds-

In the vein of Bill Simmons three more sports nerds. No clue what I said to Deitsch, nothing turned up on a twitter search. Barnwell is a guy I like and wish he would remove me so tweet at him and ask him to grant me a pardon please.

Darren Rovell probably has the biggest block list in all of Twitter. It was a mission to get into that block list for quite a long time. I replied various forms of delete your account to him for years. Finally a couple years ago the biggest nerd on Twitter, Rovell granted me my wish and blocked me.

 

Tranny MMA Fighters- 

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A niche group here. Made one joke at him/her and get put on block. In the last week I’ve seen Ace Ventura and an Office episode from 2010 where they make Tranny jokes. In 2017 that doesn’t fly though, times are a changing. There is another tranny with me on block but at the time of publishing my confidant Adam Lash hadn’t got back to me with his user name.

 

Wait, what?- 

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Who are you? What are you? Never tweeted or interacted with once, clicked a conversation I was added to and blocked. That’s what we call street cred, on Twitter cred people.  I’m like a Twitter Boogie-Man, people running from me without doing a thing.

 

Same-
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You know what? You know what Pro Wrestling? You know what happens, when I give the last 15 years of my life to you? You know what happens when I spend 30 years of my life being ridiculed for supporting you Pro Wrestling? You know what happens Pro Wrestling?

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YOU JUST MADE THE LIST!

Independent Wrestling Scum- 

I’m honestly quite shocked that more scum from the independent wrestling scene does not have me on block. I’ve put most the eggs in my Twitter basket harassing and policing the indie wrestling scene. Cueball and the losers at KCXW Wrestling (redundant) just couldn’t handle the heat in the kitchen. The reality is these two deserve their own blog.

 

No surprise- 

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Thirty Five years old and Nebraska girls have been blocking me the entire time. No surprise an account I’ve never heard of Tweets at me and I click through only to see I’m blocked. Here is to another half of my life being blocked on Social Media and Real Life Nebraska Women.

(Honorable mentions- Battle Rapper Aye Verb, MTV Real World lame ass @JayGMTV, A-Lister Amanda Bynes)

Guy Caught Jerkin It In Omaha Public Library

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OMAHA, Neb. (WOWT) -In a disgusting display at an Omaha public library, a man is charged with lewd conduct and indecent exposure.

According to police reports, a security guard at the W. Dale Clark in downtown Omaha was told by a patron a man was masturbating in the gallery area around 5:30 pm on February 14th.

The guard saw 31-year-old Anthony Triplett standing the in gallery with his pants down to his ankles masturbating in plain view.

The guard ordered Triplett to stop his actions and pull up his pants.

Triplett then ran from the building.

The guard was able to identify Triplett to police from previous ban and bar incidents in the library.

 

First things first, I know you’re supposed to be quiet at the library but was not jerking off ever outlawed with expressed written consent? Makes ya think, no?

Well, sure standing in the gallery with your pants down to your ankles whacking it in plane seat is a little aggressive. Thankfully WOWT provided the mans name to bring shame to his family and friends. And with Omaha, being the small place it is I knew I could find his profile rather easily on Facebook.

In my head, I assume we have a 5’9 pale, white male, with glasses. Likely a pube stache and either less than 150 pounds or greater than 250 pounds. Being he has been previously banned and barred from the library the guy can’t be any normal kind of build or look.  So lets check out Mr. Tripplett, serial library masturbator over on Facebook –

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Holy shit, did not see that one coming. While in the current political climate, it may seem we’re getting less progressive, the country is being further divided apart, we have a heart warming story like this to bring us all together. See white people?  A crime previously reserved for nerdy white folks can be done by blacks too. Maybe we’re not so different after all.

It is Valentines Day though, I’d imagine this wasn’t the only incident like this today. Maybe cut the guy a little slack? Lonely with a lack of Wi-Fi at home?  It’s cold out, not like he can just go to some park. Had to get his rocks off somehow.

PS- Such a Library Jerk Off guy move to not know how to crop their photo the right way up in a Facebook profile pic.

(I absolutely meant to edit our mutual friend out, but it slipped my mind when I grabbed the screen capture. Oh well, I’m not friends with the dude. That’s on you McKenzie.)

Now take it away worlds best library crank yanker of all time-

Update-

So it seems as though I missed a story a couple months ago. Sent on by my good friend and star Omaha News Reporter, Jake Wasikowski. It could be we have a problem in Omaha with Serial Library Masterbators. I can’t say I’m going to investigate, but you have my word I’ll pay better attention going forward.

(The only beat lower than covering Midwest Indie Scum may be if I wind up covering the Library Public Jerk off beat, no pun intended)